"...every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense." I don't expect the person this is meant for to understand it, so I'll break it down. I'm not a piece of glass; I'm a person. And if you think you can look through me, just know that everything you worked for will crumble in your hands once others see you as I do. And I'll never have to say a word. You will destroy it all in the end.

This is the facebook post I was going to make, but I copy and pasted it here instead. The nice thing I can say about today is that I did not post this in a public place. The nice thing I can say about today is that I did not let out the scream bubbling up in my throat. The nice thing I can say is that I did not yell in my roommates face for ignoring me for almost two months solid. I did not say anything. I closed the door between the two of us so I didn't have to look at him anymore. I slammed it. I can deal with this feeling most of the time, but the rest of the time I get this overwhelming anger about it. I mean, I get anxiety when the guy comes in the door and I might have to face him as he stares right through me or refuses to make eye contact. Today I waved at him three times to say hello and he walked right by. Most days I'm relieved because he's a nasty person and I'm glad he doesn't talk to me, but then other days I'm pissed because we used to be friends and I have absolutely no clue what happened to make things this way. As a result I just stay in my room all the time and it makes me sad and depressed to be cooped up like that. The only escape I get is leaving the house and wishing I didn't have to go back. It's oppressive when you feel this trapped. My brain is on fire sometimes. I just don't know what to do.

So today's triumph is that I did nothing. I left the house. I sit in a coffee shop. I do my work. I try to forget it.

The Sun

Today was sunny and clear. There isn't anything better for a cloudy mind than a sunny day. I waited to prep my lesson on The Yellow Wallpaper until after dark because I knew that story would do weird things to my mind, which it did, but the day was gorgeous and the air was fresh. Amen.

I also attended a class on planting a Dye Garden, a garden full of plants to dye things with. I've always been curious about this subject, but I wanted to learn to spin before I learned to dye. However, traipsing through another woman's garden was just a wonderful way to spend my Sunday, and I took home some beautiful seeds to grow beautiful plants. I can't wait to get back into the ground again.

I thought I was publishing...crap

Well, I was publishing using the blogger app for my cell phone and, lo and behold, nothing really has published. But this is ok - This dilemma has simply renewed my desire to find good things to say about the world. Especially in this time of stupid shit that happens in life.

I have a few really good things to say about the last few days.

It's spring break so I finally have a little me time. I watched four documentaries (one of my favorite activities). I watched two bio docs (one on Hunter S. Thompson and the other on William S. Burroughs), Forks Over Knives (an awesome doc about the connection between diet and illness), and Ken Burns' Baseball, episode one (Ken Burns is the man).

Spring break also coincided with J grabbing a few days off from work which we used to generally lay around and enjoy each other's company. We've both been working like mad people, so it was nice to finally catch up and hang out together.

I knit some more on this scarf I've been working on forever on Monday. I really want it to be done, but making progress on something so time consuming is always a good thing.

J played a really good show on Thursday night. A few people we really love showed up and some new faces got to see his awesome band. His band is made up such great guys. I've really not met better humans in general.

J made an awesome facebook post denouncing some of our buddies for flat out ignoring everything he does in his music. I was really proud of him because I thought it was a really bold move. I just make passive aggressive facebook posts about how the behavior of a certain few people leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The funny thing is no doubt these people saw the post, know it's about them, and are still ignoring him. Some people are just made of poop. Obviously the good part of this is the bravery it takes to stand up for yourself. My man is great.

And now, a llama:



Other great things happened this week, but I can't remember everything now. Hopefully I'll update more often via computer.

showering is overrated if you're accomplishing something!

While I still haven't taken a shower since Saturday and I'm still in my pajamas at 5:30, I finished grading my essays. This is just about the most wonderful thing I can say about this week, let alone just today. The sky was blue and clear all day, and I enjoyed how the illuminated my small mountain of work through my bedside window. Some people say such fair weather should be enjoyed in the outside world, but those of us with grades due know that's the devil tempting you away from your responsibilities. So now, as the sun sets and I am freed of my essay chains, I can concentrate on grading notebooks and entering grades before Spring Break bliss happens and more essays come rolling in.